Leaving
by FHT3rdandCo
Summary: The horrible thumpity-thumpity-tat echoed in my ears making my stomach drop. When was it that I had begun fearing my own heartbeat? K2.
1. Bleak Outlook for Tomorrow

_((A/N: Burbs' fic~_

_Disclaimer: neither I or Burbs own squat.))  
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><p><strong>Leaving<strong>

1. Bleak Outlook for Tomorrow

It was kind of amusing actually. Looking straight up in a moving car; the clouds changing angles from the corner of the window and how it feels like your spinning around. It was slightly overcast but the sky still peeked through with it's brilliantly dull blue color.

I choked back a sob.

It was gone, wasn't it? Everything sort of faded and melted and distorted. It was painful, but it was still beautiful. Looking up as the trees pass, a glowing green under the suns peeking rays. One second it was out, embracing the world under its warmth, and then in a flash it was gone, causing all the colors to dull to shades of gray.

All of a sudden my eyes were wet again.

Mixed in with some happiness it felt like tragedy.

I mildly wanted to scream. To beat the shit out of the nearest object I could find.

I was in the backseat of my parents car, I couldn't throw a fit. Self-control ached at my raging mind, easing the tides.

Ike was playing some game on his PSP, making beeping and bopping sounds mixed with the low volume of the radio, playing some oldies song my dad loved. It was nostalgic he said defensively. Not that I necessarily disagreed with him, the slow soothing melody lulled me into a calm state of mind, numbing my heartache.

I bet no one in the car even knew I was upset. A sardonic smile played off my lips and I stared back up at the sky again. I shook slightly as I squeezed my eyes shut, I didn't want to be here.

I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home.

I blinked a tear down my cheek as I watched the sky turn dark and our car drive off into the night.

The first star I saw I automatically and childishly began to wish on, star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, wish I may, wish I might, may I have this wish tonight...

I wished desperately with all my might, I don't care if I was being childish, if there was any way possible, any option available, I was taking it.

I fought back a cynical laugh when I realized it had been a plane instead of a star. Despite being depressing, it reminded me so much of you that I ended up cherishing that moment as my heart fell.

A dull thud, thud, thud, was what lulled me to sleep that night. Each thud ached inside my chest, each rise and fall stung with each remembrance of you.

I didn't want to leave you, I didn't want to leave Stan, I didn't even want to leave Cartman, as ridiculous as that sounds. I was going to miss it all. I was going to miss Butters annoying babble, when Craig would flip someone off, Wendy's activist movements, your rare smile when your hood wasn't covering your face, Kevin's buzz-kill Star Wars reference, Tweek Tweak's twitching, the way your eyes twinkled when you were talking about some porno or another, Stan pinching his nose, Cartman's get-rich schemes, your face on your birthday, saving Christmas every year even though I'm Jewish, Clyde's taco obsession, Mr. Garrison's annoying teaching, seeing you look cool even with your underwear over your pants.

Everything, everything, everything, even the stuff I hated.

I was eleven and watched my world fade away through the top-left corner of my parents mini-van.

In no way did I believe things would work out.

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><p><em>((Ending Notes: Whoo-hoo! Likey? Hate? Flame thrower? Gouging out eyes? Cooing with appreciation? I need feedback peeps<em>

_-a slightly nervous Burbs))_


	2. I Cried

_((A/N: Thank you for reviewing! It made me want to update as soon as possible C:  
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_Disclaimer: we do not own squat.))  
><em>

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><p><strong>Leaving<strong>

2. I Cried

It was overcast and I kind of wished it had rained. I remember the red break-lights of your parents van flickering on. I remember you frantically looking out the back window as the car started down the driveway. I remember how you mouthed something to me just as the car turned the corner. And then it was over.

You left. When I hugged you before you got in the car I never wanted to let you go. I wanted you to stay with me and Stan and Cartman. I didn't you to go, it wouldn't be the same if it wasn't all of us.

It made me feel kind of cold inside. If anything I had always thought I would be the one leaving if any of us left, not you. I wasn't the important one. I didn't matter. I was that unimportant kid that people forgot about. I was that barely even talked and never made any sort of impact on anyones life.

You mattered. You were Stan's super best friend, you and him together could do anything. You kept Cartman in line, gave him that hit across the head when he was going to far. You were passionate and moral and kind of a germaphope. You were there for me when I got kicked out of my house, even though you really hadn't wanted to be. You slipped me lunches at school when I couldn't afford one. You were that brave kid who fought for what he believed in. You kept the shaky balance of our gang. You mattered.

The rising bile in my throat told me you were almost everything, at least that's what I thought at the time. A part of me really wanted you to be everything, that you couldn't leave because everything would fall apart then. I knew it wasn't true but I couldn't help it. Leaving meant you wouldn't be in my life, and that almost meant everything.

Now there you were driving somewhere far, far away and I couldn't breath, Stan was sobbing into my shoulder and even Cartman looked lost.

My mind was racing and my heart went thud, thud, thud. More than anything, I didn't want you to go. My head ached.

You couldn't do this to me. Not with your sad smile and wave goodbye. You hadn't even fucking said it! It hurt too much. I really couldn't imagine my fucked up life without you. For the love of god, it wasn't that I spent every waking moment worshipping the feet you walked on, it's just...

It's just that it was like one of those things you didn't realize you would miss so much after it was gone.

And I missed it all. I missed you the second you told the news, the second I patted your back and nonchalantly told you good luck when you had been worrying, the second you looked like you were trying to swallow your words back up, the second we all had spent the whole day together yesterday.

Your smile, how you never got into fads, how you always learned a lesson at the end of the day, the way you screamed at Cartman, your short temper, how you hate bananas, how fucking smart you are.

Everything that made you who you are I was going to miss it all. I'm even going to miss how you never fucking believe me when I tell you about how I die, or how you say "You bastards!" whenever I kick it. Your guy's running gag was annoying as hell, but it was almost endearing in a way.

The three of us just stood there after you left, not able to tear our eyes away from where you had been. We had to have been there for a while because the next thing I knew it was getting dark and Stan had finally calmed down, still leaning against me as I gave him a bro hug.

The silence was deafening and then it finally hit me. My eyes widened and my eyes started to sting. My vision blurred and my breath hitched, and then the next thing I knew I was wailing.

My shoulders shook up and down as I tried to gasp for air between each stutter and sob. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks, causing my wet face to freeze at every gust of wind. I just stood there limp, face towards the sky and cried, just like that time when the fatass had eaten all the skin off the KFC chicken when we were eight. Stan and Cartman just stared shocked at my sudden outburst.

I didn't really care. I didn't care if I was eleven and it was beyond lame for me to cry like a baby, I didn't care if Cartman was going to make fun of me for weeks later because of this, I didn't even care about the sad look Stan gave me whole time.

You were gone. I hated it, I hated it, I hated it.

I opened my eyes and stared up at the night sky through blurred eyes, the stars becoming brighter, unfocused, and shinier through my wet eyes. I picked the first and brightest one I saw and wished, as girly as shit that sounded. I was still a child and a part of still kind of believed in wishes.

I wished that you would come home, that something would come up in San Francisco and your family would be forced to come back here, that somehow your parents would change their mind, or even that they had forgotten something and would turn back. Even if they would stay just a bit longer I thought, just a few more minutes...

I wouldn't be satisfied, but I just desperately wanted to see you again.

I wished with everything I had and then I let out a hopeless sob when I realized that the 'star' had only been a plane.

Everything felt futile, was no way you were coming back. It felt like just my luck.

With a surprise I felt a had pat my head, and Stan squeezed me into a full hug as Cartman did a kind of bro hug from behind. It was the weirdest thing ever, but it was comforting. They were probably going to miss you as much as I already did.

You left only an hour or so ago, but my life already felt so empty.

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><p><em>((Ending Notes: I like how this chapter came out =3<br>_

_-a happy Burbs))_


	3. Without You

_((A/N: Okay, so updating didn't happen quite as fast as i thought x3;; sorry!  
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_Disclaimer: we do not own squat.))  
><em>

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><p><strong>Leaving<strong>

3. Without You

The first day of school I forgot not to make an extra lunch for you. It had become so much of a habit that I hadn't thought twice about making that second sandwich or even packing that banana for you even though I detest them. When lunch had rolled around I could only look at my lunch with a knot in my stomach.

I never ate the half that belonged to you and I hadn't even bothered to throw it away because I was so upset. Mom had found it somewhere in my room about a month later covered in mold and had screamed at me about it. I felt upset when she threw it away, but I couldn't stop it.

It was all the small things. Every little thing, like taking the subway to school instead of the regular bus or like ditching Ike to hang out with you guys. When Stan didn't call me to ask for help with his homework, or even when the fatass wasn't there to rip on me like the Neo-Nazi he was. When you weren't there to sneak your porn mags into the school, or your infinite knowledge of anything inappropriate, or when you disappear for a day and then come back randomly, or how nobody but the four of us can understand what you're saying.

I missed it.

I tried to ignore it over the years, I tried to forget sometimes. But I always remembered and treasured it. I moved on, but I never let go. I hung out with new friends, I wasn't a recluse, but I never actually connected with anyone, I only knew them at face value. No one could ever replace you guys and like our connection was a string I never let go, always firmly grasping it in my hand.

Never mind, I never moved on.

I really, really wanted to go back home.

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><p><em>((Ending Notes: slight shorter BUT filled with lurv! x3<br>_

_-le awesome Burbs))_


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